(To cheers from the coalition benches of Meerkats brandishing whitepapers Chancellor of Exchequor Aleksandr Orlov stands on hind legs to address the Common House of meerkats in Westmeerster, Meerkova)
"Mr Speaker, this Budgeting rewards hard working meerkat families.
Our country is going to earn its way in world.
There no other roads to recovery.
It unashamedly back SME meerkating businesses like Uncle Yakov the Toymaker.
And it is on side of aspirations: those meerkats who want to do better for themselves and for their little meerkats in families with their cutie Bodgans and Peters.
This Budget reaffirms our unwavering commitment to deal with our country’s record debts.
But because Sergei and I have already taken difficult decisions, this can also be reforming Budget that seeks to repair disastrous model of economic growth that created those debts from Mongooses party opposite.
( Booing and shouting from opposition benches)
A model that saw manufacturing almost halve as share of our national economy, while the national debts doubled.
( Supportive 'hear ! hearings! from coalition benches with much noddings)
Mr Deputy Speaker, this is how Merkova will earn its way in the world: with far reachings tax reform.
With simples tax system, where ordinary taxpayers understand what they are being asked to pay.
|Chancellor Aleksandr outside No 11 door|
in Downings Prospekt
A tax system where millions of lowest paid meerkats are lifted out of tax altogether, while the tax revenues we get from wealthiest increase.
( Cheers all around the house apart from Meerkat oligarchs who are noticeably silent)
But reforming tax is only part of story.
We will earn our way in world by saying to all businesses – large and small: We will provide you with modern infrastructure; new growth-friendly planning rules and employment laws; the kinds of schools and universities and colleges our future meerkat workforce needs.
And in return, you, Meerkova businesses, have self-confidence to: invest, expand, hire, innovate and be best meerkats.
We earn our way in the world if we stop being afraid to identify Meerkova's strengths and reinforce them, backing industries, like aerospacey, energies and pharmaceuticals, creative media like my compare the meerkat commercials and Sergei's science.
A deliberate strategy to create more balanced national economy, where financial services are strong, but they are not only string to bows
Our Government is missing target by the end of this parliament so I moving goalposts.
To fund this, we increase NI increase for the self-employed meerkats, who currently pay less than employed, as we introduce flat rate state pension. NI will ‘alignment’ ahead of original target 2017 .
|Here I celebrating St Patrick's Day Lunch|
with special Liffy water beer
( Much meerkat head noddings)
A simpler tax code.
And country where its meerkats know tax they are paying – and what they are paying it for.
Sergei and I have achieved all this – and kept to our deficit plan - more or lessings.
No meerkats will strive as Meerkova will strive.
No country will adapt as Meerkovans will adapt.
No country will value those who work as we will value them.
Together, Meerkovan’s will share in the effort and share rewards.
Meerkova borrowed its way into trouble.
Now we going to earn our ways out.
I commend this Budgeting to House"
(Rapturous applaudings and cheerings. Chancellor Orlov sits down and is patted on shoulder by Sergei)